It’s 10:30pm on a Friday night and I am sitting on the couch with my laptop. Party animal, I know. We are currently amidst a pandemic known as COVID-19 which has prevented most of us from leaving our homes for weeks. Not that this changes things because without a doubt, I would still be at home, on a couch at 10:30pm on a Friday, regardless of a pandemic.
The difference on this night is that I have grabbed my computer to write out my thoughts; something I have not done in a very long time. Maybe it is the mandated isolation or maybe I am just entering my mid-life crisis, but I feel like my brain is shooting into a million different directions all at one time. I have a dark cloud of worry sitting over my head and I am unable to find a sense of clarity. My hope is that sorting through my brain on this white page will help me a bit. So.. let’s try this.
I have something that I want to declare: I want to be a runner. Much like Michael Scott, who famously walks into the office and yells ‘I declare bankruptcy,’ I really want to be able to just stand on a chair in the middle of a room and yell these words. I want that to be enough. I want this declaration to make my want a reality; to make me a runner. Unlike Michael Scott, I do not need to be told that this is impossible. See, as much as I still have to learn in life, I do know that in order to be a runner, I need to put in the work. This is exactly my plan.
The fact is that I have spent the past 6 months focused on my diet and exercise. Prior to the quarantine, I was at the gym 6 days a week and while my relationship with food has been far from perfect (that topic needs its own space on a white page so we will leave that be for now), I have managed to lose 53lbs. I am proud of the work I have put in and while I still look in the mirror and see so much work that needs to be done, I know that I have come a long way. I feel the difference and I can see it, even if just a little. My dedication has stuck with me and it actually feels like this might be a real shift in not only my health, but who I am as a person. I find myself drawn to being active and wanting to be a person who prioritizes exercise. Lord knows that I went into panic mode when the gyms were closed to protect citizens from COVID-19 exposure. My lifeline that was filled with cardio and weight machines was no longer plugged in. However, I have managed to continue the routine of weekly exercise and daily movement to keep the momentum going.
Included in this revised form of exercise is an increase in cardio which is just as shocking to type as it is to think. Because I am limited with equipment right now (count two 5lb dumbbells and a few long rubber bands), I have been forced to use walking outside and the treadmill that sits in our home office as part of my activity. For the first few weeks I used the treadmill to do long walks while playing with the incline levels and occasionally tossing in a circuit of walking and 30-45 seconds sprints. This ultimately led to me exploring longer bouts of running at a more reasonable pace which has uncovered what I believe is a long-suppressed desire to want to run.
If you know me, you know I love to claim the title of ‘not a runner.’ I tell people what I know to be true:
I have the flattest feet on earth which results in intense foot cramping after 20 seconds of a light jo. Therefore, a 30 minute run is out of the question. How will my feet ever handle such a long distance?
Due to my large chest, I only feel comfortable with the option of 3-5 sports bras being harnessed around my top half as to prevent me from harming myself and anyone else within a ½ mile radius when attempting to run.
I simply cannot breathe correctly. In fact, I get so out of breath so quickly, that I am starting to convince myself that marathon runners are really aliens from another planet who have evolved without real lungs. There’s really no other explanation.
Sure, there are lots of other witty points I can make about why I am not meant to, not born to be, and should never be a runner. Yet, I can’t shake the feeling that regardless of my crappy lungs, shitty feet, and in-the-way breasts… I want to be a runner.
The following may make me sound like a crazy person and hey - maybe you should consult with a professional about the state of my mental health, but just hear me out on this. You know the voice that speaks to you throughout the day? It’s the one inside your head that walks you through life. It reminds you to pay your bills, gives you advice on what you should wear when you’re heading out with girlfriends, it tells you not to text your recent crush when you're drunk, and scolds you when you try to think of a good reason to eat an entire row of oreos in the package. I believe that this voice lives inside your brain and has a roommate that lives on the second level of your body: the subconscious. These two voices share a space, but much like roommates, siblings, and spouses, they don’t often agree on things. The girl in apartment A (your brain) is the one who wants you to be reasonable. She wants you to consider the responsibility that comes with your actions and while she is heavily influenced by the outside world, she is just trying to keep you safe. Girl in apartment B (your subconscious) is not about that life. She understands that you want to make decisions that keep you safe and are overall good for your wellbeing, but she also wants you to take risks. She wants you to push against things like fear and comfort. She says things to you that make you snap your head and give her a side look. Your brain is a great voice to consult with, but sometimes, you just have to go with your gut.
My brain is the voice that tells me I am not meant to be a runner. She is the one who can easily list a million reasons why attempting to be a runner is the wrong idea. My subconscious tells me that’s bullshit and that if I want to run, I should fucking run.
I know that this is going to be hard. Based on the few short ‘runs’ I have done (and by this I mean I can softly jog on the treadmill for a maximum of 2 minutes at a time) along with the research I have put into training, I understand that I have a long way to go before I am casually heading out on a run for 30 minutes. I won’t be signing up for a 5k next week and the thought of a marathon is not even allowed into my hemisphere for the next lifetime. But, I am here. I am declaring something that I know deep down - thanks to my subconscious - I want.
I have bought a bunch of books on running and downloaded the apps. I am reading all of the internet forums and waiting for proper trainers to be delivered in hopes of comforting my poor flat feet. They have a lot of work to do, but I am ready for it.
Comments
Post a Comment