Today’s run was so horrific and so glorious that I don't even know where to start.
Unlike the past two days, I didn’t have an overwhelming sense of anxiety pre-run. There was anxiety, but it wasn’t crippling like yesterday. Rather, I was more consumed with laziness. Finding the motivation to get off the couch, off the computer, put down the book, and take my eyes off the television was just so damn hard today.
I took Reggie for an afternoon walk which both he and I were quite exhausted from. Early into our walk I could feel the soreness from the past two days pulsing up and down my legs. My feet slightly aching where the arch should be in my foot (as a reminder I have ZERO arch in both feet - aka the flattest feet in the world - aka the worst feet in the world). This pain only further pushed me to want to take a rest day which in all honesty, could probably be used. I have done some form of exercise every single day for about 2 weeks now. However, as much as I wanted to just lay around, I also felt determined to hit the pavement and so without too much pushing, I headed out for an evening run.
I have discovered that the Spring weather creates an optimal run around 7pm each night. The sun, while still on the horizon, is no longer too intense and the temperature seems to hit a sweet spot at this time. Today’s weather was on par with this, but also included crazy winds that literally took your breath away as you walked into them. Now, why Mother Nature would do this to me when she damn well knows I already can’t breathe during a run is beyond me. I mean seriously… how rude?
Fighting against the wind (which I was running into for the first half of my session) was only the tip of the iceberg today. The first 6-8 minutes of today’s run was fucking awful. I remember thinking to myself “I simply cannot do this. I am not built for this and I am silly to think that I should be out here running like a fool.” My legs hurt. I felt even more out of breath than the past two days. The slight incline in the beginning of my route made me feel like I was climbing Mount Everest. Each time my foot hit the pavement, I felt like it was more and more impossible to finish the run. There was not one moment in those first 8 minutes where I didn’t think I should just turn around and walk home. I was 10000% sure that I will never be able to run like a real runner; run without stopping.
Then something weird happened. About half way into my session, I felt this really weird shift in my body. I was within a 60 second running period on the C25K app and when I heard the ding to start walking, I felt this impulse to keep running. In all of my reading and consuming of content on running (which I have done nonstop lately), the one rule that everyone seems to agree on is to not do too much too soon. Don’t run too fast too soon, don’t go too far too soon, and don’t push too hard too soon. With this in mind, I decided to stay on course with the app and bring myself to a walk.
When the timer kicked back on for the next running period, I felt myself quickly pick my feet off the ground and into a running motion. My bounce off the road felt lighter and my legs felt like they were happily gliding into the movement. I even noticed that my breathing was more controlled and there was less panting coming from my mouth. My body felt perfectly temperatured - warmed on the inside and cooled from the strong breeze on the outside. Much like before, I felt almost disappointed when the app chimed that it was time to go back to walking.
As I turned the corner that brings the back of our neighborhood around to the main drive, I heard the app say there was one minute left. This means one minute of running followed by the 5 minute walking cool down. I decided to go for it. Sure, my body might regret it and I might not make it all the way, but why not keep this feeling alive while I have it and try to finish the next 6 minutes as a run? So that’s what I did. I decided not to judge myself if I had to stop and I made sure that all I focused on was my breath. In my nose and out of my mouth. Guess what? I fucking made it. I completed the rest of the trail back to my front door running. Yes, I slowed down towards the end and yes, I was relieved when I hit the driveway to our house, but I fucking did it!
Maybe it was the high from running for longer than I ever have before or maybe I just felt less overheated thanks to the chilly night weather that was approaching, but as I sat on the bench outside our home to cool down, I felt amazing. I wasn’t embarrassingly out of breath and I truly felt a high-like emotion surging through me (runners high?). I immediately threw open my Fitbit app to check my mileage. 2 miles, most of which was completed at a running pace. I cannot believe I am about to type this, but I was so hyped that I actually considered going out for another run around the block (dinner and a shower won that debate).
I am beside myself at how a run, which started out so terribly, turned into one of the best feelings I have had in a long time. I still cannot wrap my head around how much I struggled at first and how great I felt at the end. It was like two different people went out on two completely different runs and came back to my house and the exact same time. Bella Mackie and Alexandra Heminsley have both written brilliant books about their experience with running and both have talked about the dreaded first 10 minutes of a run. Bella Mackie even ends her book by pointing out that even now, five years later, she still hates the beginning of her run. Yet, just like with my run today, there is a moment where things click and every move her body makes feels right - feels strong - feels good.
I swear that the ending of today’s run must be what the first try of hard drugs must be like. A pure and unimaginable high that you want to chase until you feel that exact moment of bliss forever. That is how I feel about today’s run and I cannot fucking wait to try to find that feeling again tomorrow.
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